Greetings Internet…I’d like to introduce you to someone…


Meet Duran. Duran’s a dick. He’s a self-absorbed asshole who’s hatred for humanity is balanced only by his love of pornography. Also, one of his hands is made of celery. Not just any celery, but a mutated-yet-functional growth that gives him a telepathic link to celery. All celery, even the Vegemasters, a vegetable army that works for The Mother; an army that is set on destroying anything that doesn’t come from the ground. With the help of the Vegetable Annihilation Group (V.A.G.) and many (many!) hours of masturbation, hopefully Duran will be “up” to the task.

Advance praise for Celery Hand Duran:

“This is easily the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever written” – The Author

“What the hell is wrong with you?” – The Trusted Reader

“Dear God, why?” – The Editor

Coming Friday, October 28th for Kindle…just in time to be offended this Halloween!

Seriously though, I’m not kidding. This is some pretty offensive shit. Mom, you might want to skip this one….