A few months ago, I discussed the downside to Netflix. If you didn’t read it, you can either click the link or I can just give you this synopsis:
Netflix has so much crap that it’s now too easy to go with the 20-minute rule and turn that shit off.
After that post, I really thought about the movies that I shut off without giving them the respect of just a little bit more time. Writing it down like that reminded me that there are a lot worse ways to spend my time than watching a really bad movie. I’m pleased to report that I have adjusted my movie-watching habits and will now share a few of the gems that I’ve recently watched from start to finish:
No, this has nothing to do with the Discovery Channel. Some random guy — who apparently owns his own island — kidnaps a group of people who he feels have wronged him in some way. They’re also connected in ways that they have to figure out as they progress through the island. Supposedly, they have to make it through a series of “traps” in order to survive the week. Sound a bit like Saw 2? Well there is a key difference…these traps are actually different kinds of sharks that they have to…umm…I don’t really know, and I watched the movie. In one, they have to get a key from a shark, but most of them they just have to kill the shark somehow. If it sounds incredibly stupid, then you’re going to love the final battle, where the guy somehow manages to keep a Great White on call (or something, I don’t know) for when the final survivors head out into the ocean. Stupidly. Remarkable (that I managed to watch it all the way through).
Wow. Umm, I suppose I should have known what I was getting into, it being a Roger Corman flick and all (no offense to Roger Corman fans – you know what you’re getting yourself into). I should have expected rubber dinosaur puppets and horrible acting. I would not have been disappointed. Seems some crazy scientist lady was working on breeding dinosaurs in chickens…or chicken eggs? I admit I faded a bit here and there. Anyway, a dinosaur gets out and eats people, the…government, maybe?…comes in and locks shit down, shooting everyone to keep things hush-hush. I may have been a little vague on the details, as I may have been more than a bit drunk. It was challenging, but Clint Howard was in it! I think this movie actually got a sequel, if you can imagine that. With your permission, I might just skip that…
Two words for you: Vampire Coolio. If that sounds like it’s your type of awesomeness, then please do feel free to watch this sci-fi take on a classic tale. If you think it sounds as ridiculous as it is, then…you’re right. This one actually took me three nights to watch, not because an hour and a half is excessive or anything, but because I kept falling asleep. For a night owl like myself, this is not a good sign. It seems that a descendant of the great vampire hunter Van Helsing ends up being the captain of a salvage ship. The ship comes across an abandoned ship in the middle of absolutely nowhere…that happens to have Dracula on board. It gets even stupider from that point on, so I’ll just leave it at that.
Of the four, this was somehow the most enjoyable. Even with terrible acting and rampant stupidity, I gave it three stars and decided not to gouge my eyes out with a spork. Simple plot: there’s a haunted house that happens to be a museum. The ghosts are okay with this, as long as no one enters the house at night. Of course, that’s exactly what a pack of dumb-ass kids do the first chance they get. They invite some paranormal investigator and the ghosts simply go apeshit. A bunch of people die stupidly, the cops come for no reason other than to get killed, and random things happen for no reason whatsoever. At one point, a couple gets separated, one gets killed, and the other could seemingly care less. She just leaves. If this sounds like a world of fun, it’s not. However, it is enjoyable enough for me to actually recommend it, as long as you go in expecting crap that might also be fun to watch. I hope I’m not setting the bar too high…
And how is this the upside to Netflix? One word: variety. More variety than should be possible, and I love it. But wait, there’s more!
One of these kids is not like the other… Okay, I have kids. We have rotating movie nights. Since kids like to watch the same damn thing over and over, I try to pick random new stuff on my nights. This was selected purely because we’d never seen it. If I had any idea what I was picking, I would have gladly watched Brave for the millionth time. This movie was not only incredibly stupid, but it clearly did not have enough story to fill a movie. Chunks of time were dedicated to nothing but music playing while random things happened. You might be thinking “oh, that’s a montage.” Nope. A montage compresses time into a series of cut-scenes while generally shitty music plays along. This is one scene where nothing happens; it just doesn’t stop. As an example, a good five or so minutes were dedicated to a mother and daughter coloring easter eggs. No dialogue, nothing interesting happening, just shitty music. The story has something to do with a stolen Faberge egg that some idiot hides and waits a year for the accused’s family to come back to the same location before deciding to find it…or something like that. Actually, that makes it sound more interesting than it is. There’s also gobs of rampant stupidity. If you’re looking for that, stick with the Vampire Coolio flick. It’s way better.